Seeking Solitude and Silence in a Busy Wired World...

My life is busy. It is noisy. My nerves are fried and I need to cultivate silence and meditation if it is ever going to happen. It wont happen by chance. My kids nap...long naps and all at the same time, they go to bed early. My lack of quiet is my own doing. I need to shut everything off and deal with the things in my mind that I don't want to deal with, to sit in the uncomfortable silence, and be with God. I thought I could do that in a weekend, I can't. I am signing off, though I anticipate returning to blogging and facebooking and texting at some future date. The cell phones are off, the ringer is off on the phone, and I'll be offline. The radio is off, and there hasn't been a TV in 8 years. I will check home phone messages and return calls on an as needed basis. So, I'll be back online again when I can rest comfortably inside my own mind, when I don't need the activity to drown out my thought anymore.

As requested...

Got a couple requests for more kiddo content...and they are such cute kids, how can I say no to sharing the joy with my mommy friends? :) Here is a "little taste", and I will work on something a little more substantial later.

CAN YOU GUESS WHAT IS IN THE MOUTHS???

Suggestions for Me?

"Tell me what you want to hear/something that'll like those ears/I'm sick and probably insincere/I gonna give all my secrets away..."

-One Republic

So, I've tried this blogging thing out for awhile now. You've gotten a taste of my writing.
Comment below or e-mail me and tell me what topics you would like me to write an article on, things you wonder about, what you'd like to see more of on this blog...etc.

Thanks in advance!

Resources For Those Struggling in Domestic Abuse Situations

Resources for Battered Women:
safehavenministries.org
notthisgirl.com
rainn.org

Resources for Men Seeking Rehabilitation:
menscenter.org

Reccomended Reading:
Stop Hurting the Woman You Love; by: Randy Flood
Why Does He DO That?; by: Lundy Bancroft

Insomnia Poetry

In honor of my friends in rape recovery, and those who struggle with PTSD. You are not alone, crazy, stupid, or worthless. You are safe and understood here.

When evening falls

and with it all the disarray

quietly drifts into the fray

and you're not sure you can rest

though it is finally quiet

and you can hear yourself think

you don't like what you have to say

memories rush in

on silent wings like the owl

and stalking steps like a cat's

they leave you as nervous as the mouse

a predator around every corner

every corner of your own mind

when all is still

except your thoughts

and in case your mind ever forgets

your body promises to remember

and you hate it

as much as if it were your own body that betrayed you

and not his

and you wonder how it is

that he sleeps so well at night

with his rested body

and his dark dead soul.

God did not close His eyes

He does not sleep

this has not passed by unnoticed

hold on to hope

He is with the oppressed

A day of righting wrongs is coming

a day of drying tears

a day that is never ending

a day without fears

Hang on tightly

fiercly to the truth

though some would snatch it from you

My God sees me

He cares

and this too shall pass

and everything will be new again.

Rescue? Adoption? These are FARM animals.

I am increasingly irritated by the terms used to describe acquiring animals. I purchase one, or take one off someone's hands free of charge if it is in particularly rough condition. If it is in poor health, I will work to rehabilitate it. I have gotten great deals on animals that needed lots of TLC. Orphans, bottle fed goat kids, emaciated milk goats with lame feet, geese with bad habits, unwanted abandoned ducklings, malnourished bull calf that is a dairy breed and therefore deemed "worthless" and so on, all find a place on our farm. People say things like "adoption", "part of the family", "rescue", "a forever home" (yeah, in my FREEZER). This bothers me because I feel it cheapens adoption. Animals are not a part of my family. They are never in my house. They sleep in the barn.  I only rescue them in the sense that I restore their health so that I can benefit from what they produce, be it milk, eggs or meat. That doe eyed, caramel brown jersey bull calf? He is healthy and fat now, getting fatter. Half of him is going in my freezer and half is going to be sold to line my wallet. Let's not stoop to call that a rescue, it isn't quite philanthropic of me. Those three geese taken to their forever homes...Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners. Those emaciated milk goats? Gaining rapidly, healthy, walking better and providing me with organic milk and cheeses. Many times I have needed rescued, physically, emotionally, financially, or spiritually. May God protect me from being "rescued" as the animals have been, for the advantage of the rescuer, indebted to them for what I can produce. That is not a rescue, not an adoption. I think we tend to view God like this when He says we are rescued, adopted as sons. We think we are rescued from our freedom and into an indebted bondage of owing our rescuer who has a long list of hard rules for living. We miss that in reality we were already in bondage, that we are eternally freed now to be who we were fully created to be, and adopted as heirs and dearly loved children.

THIS one is going to be TROUBLE!

 I guess all those patterns we show her and sorting the blocks with her IS soaking in!

Daring and Adventuresome Cooking

Nearing the end of summer is so bittersweet. I love the fall but it is so short and ends in winter. In keeping with the bittersweetness of the season, how about some spicy sweet recipes that jazz up the end of summer fruits? I love watermelon when it is fresh, cold, crisp and juicy. Normally, this is my dessert of choice but recently I made it into a spicy side dish to my BBQ chicken and potato salad with fantastic results. Simply squirt lime juice over the watermelon cubes and sprinkle with salt and chili powder. You can eat it just like that, or skewer it and toss it on the grill or campfire if you have one going. If I have a grill going I like to put BBQ sauce on pineapple and sweet potato wedges on skewers too...or lime and chili pepper if you have no bbq sauce...whatever. I like to cut peaches in half and grill them too. You don't need to add anything at all. They are tangy sweet and perfect just the way they are.

I have been loving curries and earthy smells in my vegis, like oyster sauce or lime soy sauce. Whatever is coming out of the garden goes in a wok and gets sizzled awhile and thrown on a plate for lunch. Recently, that means a lot of green and red tomato, okra, eggplant and various summer squash and zucchinis, sweet onions, and apple slices.

If after all this spicy, earthy, tangy, bittersweetness, you have a sweet tooth that is complaining of neglect, it is the perfect season for making all those perfectly ripe red haven peaches into super easy, cheesecake stuffed peaches.

Cheesecake Stuffed Peaches

A dozen peaches, cut in half and pitted, with a little trimmed off the round side so they lay flat on a cookie sheet without rolling around (make it easy on yourself and get freestone peaches)

one melted stick of butter

½ Cup sugar plus 2 tsp. cinnamon shaken together

half pound of soft cheese (I use Fromage Blanc made from goat milk...but cream cheese works too)

½ cup of sugar

2 egg yolks

1½ tsp. Vanilla

1. Coat peaches in butter, lay on a cookie sheet so that the indentation where the pit was is up. Sprinkle with cinnamon sugar mix
2. Combine cream cheese, sugar, egg yolks, and vanilla with a medium speed mixer.
3. Fill the peach centers with cheesecake filling and bake at 350* for 30 min. or till browned lightly and soft. Cool and serve.

I would give credit to the magazine my friend clipped this from, altered slightly and sent to me, who doubled the recipe and made it out of goat cheese instead...but I don't know which magazine it was and for that matter...it isn't really the same recipe as when she clipped it. So, try it, feel free to experiment with it...can you make it on a grill or add a squirt of lime, or use almond extract instead of vanilla? I have no idea till I try...and neither do you. (: Don't be confined by the boundaries of a written recipe or you will never discover anything fantastic and new. Tell me how you changed the recipe, and how it turned out...maybe add a touch of raspberry jam on top of the cheesecake filling? Wrapped them in pie crusts like dumplings, omitted the cheesecake entirely and filled the with caramels? Use this as a spring board. Get adventuresome and let me know how it turns out....and save me one to try.  

Love Poems that I Can Relate Too...

A Love Poem from My Text Message Outbox

How do I love you?

Let me count the ways...

I love you to the height and depth my soul can reach.

I love you like my last pancake.

My heart is melted,

unto the likeness of butter,

atop your last pancake.

I love you jealously,

with a love like a girl has

for her brother's silly bands.

I long for you

like a toddler for his stuffed cat

I miss you

like a new mother misses her sleep.

As a crying baby

left in her swing alone

I want your arms around me.

Your empty side of the bed

stings like being snapped by a rubber snake

verily,

even like a whiffle bat to the face.

Comfort me with raisins,

cheerios and fishy crackers

for I am faint with love.

My love for you knows no limits,

like a fat man at Sam's Club

like a child with scotch tape

even as an old dutch woman

at a sample booth.

You have filled my life with joy

as a toddler who runs his own bath water

It overflows from inside me

to the home around us.

Happy As A Hippo? Teaching Emotional Vocabulary at Any Age

People need to label emotions so they can handle them. If we are going to scold a child for the ornery look on their face, we should have already explained what angry or grumpy is. After all, they don't see their own face and if they don't have words to tell you how they feel, they will only have actions to show you how they feel. To really own something, you have to have a name for it. To have control over our emotions, we need to understand how to verbalize them...or they will own us. This is as much true of adults as it is children. I know a lot of people, men and boys especially, that have been neglected in being taught this, who can not identify any emotions past angry, happy, and sad. This essentially limits them to expressing mad, happy or sad feelings. So, here is my list of feelings. I encourage you to look through them. Pick a few, maybe a few every day, and think about what makes you feel that way, and start verbalizing your feelings in those terms. It will really help the people around you, and maybe you yourself, understand you better.

Mad. Angry. Astonished. Rage. Amused. Vengeful. Bitter. Sad. Depressed. Lonely. Confused. Elated. Happy. Joyful. Ornery. Cantankerous (I don't know if this is a word, but my mom says it to describe me frequently). Delighted. Shocked. Free. Inhibited. Subdued. Downcast. Discouraged. Disillusioned. Disappointed. Peaceful. At rest. Numb. Calm. Distraught. Disturbed. Sorrow. Despair. Disinterested. Interesting. Interested. Capable. Agitated. Awe. Reverence. Fear. Terror. Glamorous. Amorous. Inept. Incapable. Wounded. Unlovely. Unloved. Hopeful. Hopeless. Proud. Conceited. Relieved. Exhausted. Flat. Assured. Hurt. Encouraged. Inspired. Cheerful. Relaxed. Satisfied. Pleased. Charmed. Exhilarated. Excited. Stuck. Graceful. Lively. Brave. Courageous. Determined. Wavering. Uncertain. Insecure. Secure. Comfortable. Comforted. Sympathetic. Empathetic. Enthusiastic. Glad. Powerful. Empowered. Overpowered. Trapped. Stable. Unstable. Unsure. Playful. Sexy. Lascivious. Confident. Thrilled. Loved. Adored. Adoring. Loving. Superior. Inferior. Surprised. Cast aside. Forgotten. Forgetful. Forgiving. Anxious. Worried. Stressed. Accomplished.

The list could go on indefinitely. So, next time you have a fantastic day, and you tell someone you are happy...will they grasp what you mean, will you? It really downgrades what you are feeling when lack of emotional vocabulary has limited and taken away from your experience. The same is true of negative emotions...those yucky feelings in your gut that you need to talk out but words fail you...getting more words when words fail you will help you get through what you are feeling stuck in.

Why Are They Wasting School Time Playing with Blocks?

I can't help but be in a great mood after these kids get started on their day. Really, there is nothing I would rather be doing than playing blocks today. We have sorted them by size and shape and color. We have experimented with how many blocks tall our towers can get and which shapes made the best towers. Discoveries dawning on them left and right and watching the light turn on in their little minds is awesome. Shape effects stability. Cubes stack higher than triangles or half circles. Triangles can be put together to make squares. Shape effects stability but color does not! Wow! Half circles can be put together into circles and two arches makes a square with a circle shaped hole and you can fill it with two half circles. The cylinders don't fit in the holes but the half circles do, but they do fit in your eyes sockets till mommy takes them and says "No running with blocks in your eyes". We built castles and highways and railway stations for the train set. We learned spatial relations, colors, sorting, cause and effect, the laws of gravity, shapes, numbers, and pre-literacy skills like copying patterns of shapes and colors from left to right. Children can teach us so much about the joy of learning, doing  things whole heartedly, and taking pleasure in your work. A quick glance into my dining room shows happy children playing. A longer investment of time reveals that they are conducting experiments, testing theories, working with the skills they have, carefully taking in new information and adjusting their techniques to be more effective. The human mind is amazing to watch at work. What a joy and priviledge I have to stay home and teach and play. They are wonderful and there is no where better on earth for me than being here right now.

...Or Your May Feel That Somehow You Lost All Your Fizz

Yet again, "Happy Hippo Angry Duck" describes what I am feeling right now. Drained. Empty. Despondant. Apathetic. Flat. Beaten down. Worn out. Folks frequently compliment me on how laid back I am. Perhaps, they are misreading me. I think overwhelmed may be a more appropriate. If I had more fight in me, I would be a hysterical basketcase, but I am just too tired for that. Religious people would try to make it a spiritual condition. Medical people would look for a physical cause. Mental health professionals would say it is depression. Mom would throw cookies at the problem. Personally, I think I just need to get my coffee in me. I could probably address a deeper issue or two...but if I had more pep and "get up and go" right now, what  would probably feel is rage. Yes, very subdued rage fits what I am feeling today. Do me a favor and don't take this too seriously...I will post later after my coffee.

Read any good books lately...

           A friend of mine suggested that I write a book review, or perhaps a list of what  have found worth reading recently. To be fair, I still find time to read quite a bit. So, here it goes. This morning, I read a short but introspective book on emotions. It helped the reader to really look at what our moods look like and identify where we are 'at'. It was realistic in it's assessment of the feelings and it presented a wide range of them, and ended by encouraging that emotions will change and having a supportive community of friends around you will get you through the ups and downs. The final thought gives a nod to one exception to changing feelings, that the chronically angry and alone tend to stay that way. So, with this in mind I encourage you whole heartedly to reach out to those around you, let go of bitterness, and take the days events for what they are, knowing that every morning is a clean slate. I therefore highly reccomend this book. It is titled "Happy Hippo, Angry Duck" and is available in paperback or board book. Follow up reading to this book, if you have an afternoon naptime alone to spend in quiet reflection, could include "How I Feel" and "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day". I strongly suggest identifying how you feel and sculpting the clay animal that best shows that emotion and fingerpainting how your face looks today. (Pictures of these to follow after craft time)

Sometimes Just Doing Things is More Important Than Doing Them Perfectly

 I find myself sitting and reading a copy of the Spring 2011 edition of Chickens magazine. It is actually not a magazine, more a quarterly publication of the Hobby Farms magazine. The subtitle is in fact, “Your Essential Poultry Publication”. I can't imagine that they find an entire booklet full of new information to publish regarding chickens four times a year, but the ads are absolutely fascinating.

I am often reading up on topics I never dreamed existed before. Since moving to our hobby farm with high aspirations of modern homesteading, we have discovered that the learning curve is quite steep. We have also learned that while doing things right is quite expensive, doing things good enough usually is, well, good enough. For example, we do not have a truck or trailer of any sort. We have a mini van with a back seat that comes out. Now, we want to be subsistance farmers, not start a major agribusiness so what to do when you want to pick up two milk goats that live 90 minutes away? Obviously, the answer is not “buy a truck and trailer”. So, with a scrap of plywood for a ramp, and a old roll of canvas tarp material in the back of my mini van we have aquired, from all over the state, the following animal menagerie: 7 ducklings, six Americuana hens (Omgosh they lay green and blue eggs), 9 barred rock hens and a rooster (who was supposed to be a hen when he grew up but turns out he was basically in drag), 10 ISA brown pullets, 5 mixed run Americuana chicks, a mated pair of geese (that turned out to be lesbians...both Linus and Lucy lay eggs), a calf, 2 Alpine goat kids, and (most interesting trip of all) two Nubian goat dams in milk.

So, what was I thinking as I rode home with two goats in the back of my van for an hour and a half? Initially, about raw organic grass fed goat milk, about selling goat milk shares, learning to make cheese, and getting to a point where we don't use grocery stores. At least for the first 15 minutes...that occupied my thoughts quite pleasantly. Then, I began thinking how loud they were, what a strong aroma was coming from my back seat, and what very large animals these were. Then, we passed their usual milking time in transit. They began to get more uncomfortable and vocal. Two angry 150 lbs animals were riding directly behind me, pooping in my van, demanding to be milked. Then it occurred to me...I milked a goat once when I was ten, a few squirts anyway, and I had read about it in my Back to Basics book and my copy of The Backyard Homestead and Mother Earth News. What if...I mean, it occurred to me it was possible, since I never really tried and all...what if I get these animals home, and can't figure out how to get the milk out? I pondered this during the last hour of the drive, feeling increasingly...concerned.

We arrived home after dark, and long after they should have been milked. I pulled them out of my van through the tailgate. The larger of the two looked me over skeptically. I reached out to calm her after her obviously distressing trip and she promptly stomped my sandal clad foot. I did not have a clue what a milkstand looked like, or that we did in fact already have one in the barn. I reached down to milk her and she kicked and pulled away. I tied a rope to her and had Chris hold it. I cornered her and we began this odd dance of kicking and trying not to get stomped while keeping her cornered, but I successfully got all her milk in the bucket. She then plopped her ugly poop covered hoof in the bucket of milk and flung the contents of the bucket (actually the bowl to my stand mixer...good enough, right?) all over me. I repeated this with the second goat and went to bed.

Since then, I have learned that you basically just pour a little grain into a feeder and lock their head into the milk stand and they peacefully munch while I effortlessly milk them. Making cheese has been delicious and worthwhile as well, and we certianly drink more milk these days. I would hate to go back to store bought milk now. I am glad I was foolish enough to try. If I had given into my fears and insecurities, or my impression of goats on that first milking, we would have really missed out. One day I hope to get adequate pasture fencing, because one of my favorite evening places to be is my beautiful wrap around porch facing the sunset...unfortunately this is also their favorite place to be. But, you make due with what you have, be willing to learn as you go, and scrape your porch regularly and for now, it may not be the right way to do things but it is good enough.