Compassion For Dummies: A Cheat Sheet for the Emotionally Inept

Have you ever wanted to say something appropriate, to convey empathy and comfort to a friend going through crisis? Maybe a serious loss, life altering medical diagnosis, trauma, or crime has occured. You find yourself either speechless or saying stupid hurtful cliches. (If you EVER find yourself saying "All things work together for good..." to a rape victim, or "It's probably better, the baby would likely have been deformed" to a grieving mother...smack yourself, read and print this list, carry it in your wallet)

Choose One that fits the situation, say it, and shut up for awhile. Tip your head to the side slightly and nod sympathetically when the person talks.

I'm sad with you over this situation.
I am sorry this happened to you.
I believe you.
You are safe here.
It is alright to mourn what you have lost.
It is normal to feel ________. (Whatever they seem to feel, betrayed, hurt, angry, sad, lonely)
I'm here to listen. (Then, you shut up and listen or it doesn't count)
I don't have the answers right now, but I'll help you find out.
Are you safe now?
How are you sleeping since ________ happened?
What are your concerns?
I'm glad you told me.
You are not alone, not anymore.
You didn't deserve to be treated that way.
You are not to blame.
You are not responsible for _______'s behavior.
I am so glad you survived it, you mean so much to me.
Can I pray with you?
What do you want to happen now and how can I help?
It is ok to feel angry sometimes...even healthy.
There will be better days ahead, hold on!

These are just a few of the safe things to say, to convey support and love. Try them out! It works so much better than saying something stupid!

Healing Is a Choice By: Stephen Arterburn

“Healing Is A Choice” is a classic Christian self-help book. It was recently republished with some nice new elements to it, and here I am reviewing it. The basic premis of the book is that, healing is indeed a choice, that we can stay mired in our woundedness and fester, or we can choose to heal. This book highlights ten decisions that the author finds critical to make in the healing process, and ten lies that keep us from making those healing choices.

The new revised and updated version of this book incorporates the workbook into the book. I suppose this is handy, in that it keeps them together. However, being somewhat of a bibliophile, I like to keep my books clean and nice. If I really like a book, I like to pass it on to someone who will enjoy it or benefit from it as much as I did, and I like to pass it on in good condition. I also tend to mark up my workbooks, highlight, write in the margins, and journal about things I don't wish to pass along to my friends. So, for me, having the workbook in the text is a drawback.

Finally, I am not sure the book “works”. Maybe, I'm just not in a place to accept what it says. I'm ok with that possibly being the case. I am just not sure that healing is a choice. Sometimes, pain is inevitable, and there isn't much we can do to recover from some things. I think that is the brokenness of life that makes us long for our heavenly home, where we will be completely healed and eternally well in our bodies and souls. This is the healing I long for, that I don't think we often get this side of heaven. I think it is not a choice on our part really. We hold up nothing but empty wounded hands, and God graciously pours out blessings, forgiveness, grace, and healing because of the finished work of Christ on our behalf. I feel a bit ambivalent about the book, but it is well written, and it may be my own woundedness that keeps me from recommending it whole heartedly.

I was given a complimentary copy of this book in exchange for my honest opinion.

http://www.thomasnelson.com/consumer/product_detail.asp?sku=9780785232438

His Eye is On the Sparrow....

Last night was one of those difficult nights. I was in pain, and alone, and very easily could have given into despair. It was cold, windy and stormy. Life has been uncertain and overwhelming lately, and God felt very far away. I began to wonder if God had created me for pain, to be an object of his wrath, because this life has been very hard. I called out to God, and told him how much it hurts, how alone I feel, and all the questions racing through my unquieted mind. There was no answer, and I laid down in bed, to listen to the storm outside. I closed my eyes and listened to it rage and howl all around me, while I was safe and warm; and I felt peace envelope me. It was not quite like a blanket. Some of you may feel uncomfortable with me saying so, but I felt arms wrap around me, just as tangible as if someone were laying next to me. All my fear just left, and I rested, really deeply relaxed and rested.

Then, I heard a song bird, in the dark, in the cold fall weather, at night in the pouring rain...I thought, "this is trippy, I really am hallucinating now. It is the wrong season, weather and time of day for songbirds". I opened my eyes, and just on the other side of my window, between my pillow and my glass of ice water...was this:

He stayed and sang till the storm was done. Matthew 10:28-31 says "²⁸ Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell. ²⁹ Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care.^{[a] 30} And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. 31 Do not be afraid, you are worth more than many sparrows."

What an incredible reminder of God's faithfulness and provision. He cares, and I'm His, and nothing on earth can take away one second of one day that He has preplanned for me. I have all the time I need to accomplish everything He has for me to do, and I have all the resources to complete the work He has for me and do it well. There is nothing I lack, that he does not already have. There is no crisis, or strained relationship, or economic hardship, loss, or medical diagnosis that can surprise Him. I have no suffering that He can not redeem, God doesn't waste time, or pain. More importantly, He doesn't waste the lives of His children. I was created for a purpose, and I am loved, known, seen, cared for, and don't need to fear. I am resting in the arms of my Father, who loves me.

Why Men Hate Going to Church

The basic premise of this book is that men hate going to church, unless they are particularly effeminate to begin with. He argues that men don't talk, think or act this way under normal circumstances. He paints a clear picture of what it means to be male, with very broad sweeping strokes. I have a few books on manhood that I would LOVE to recommend to the author, Mr. David Murrow.

While gang members and prison inmates may not relate to one another as we do in church, business men and corporate executives might. There is more to manhood than machismo. One can not say that compassion for one another is feminine or soft, for example. Our love for one another is how we are to be differentiated from the rest of the world. The analogy is made that Sunday morning church is like a prostate exam. It may save your life, but no one is looking forward to it. I suggest young men aren't in church because they don't want to be told what to do. Nothing offends a young mans fragile ego than being told he is not the ultimate authority. I think this accounts for why young men in their 20's are so under represented in the church. Real men don't whine and make excuses about what they don't like, they follow the example of Jesus and humbly serve those around them in love. That may not sound macho, but this isn't a locker room competition, this is real life. It's time for men to be man enough to unashamedly love their church.

*I was received a complimentary copy of this book in exchange for my honest review*

Buy it here:

http://www.amazon.com/Why-Men-Hate-Going-Church/dp/078523215X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1310582055&sr=1-1

Life, In Spite of Me

"Life, In Spite of Me" is the story of Kristen Jane Anderson. Everyone has a story. I particularly enjoy hearing those that have the theme of redemption written all over their lives. I firmly believe that God doesn't waste pain, even the most horrendous experiences shape and mold us into who God wants us to be. God redeems our suffering. Kristen's story is full of suffering, psychological suffering, deaths, emotional pain, and rape drive her to the breaking point. She tries to commit suicide, and yet her life is spared. In the process she loses both legs. How can this possibly be a story of redemption? Can anything ever make up for this kind of pain? Is there ever hope in this kind of agony? As you read this book, you would think that there is no way out of this situation, and no way to make it livable, and then God steps in. It begins to be clear where the hand of God has been on her life through it all, and how he has a good plan for her life, a plan to prosper her and not to harm her. She goes on to do beautiful things, and build a life, that she may have never had with her legs. I recommend you read the book if you want to know the rest! Enjoy!
*I received this book for free from WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group for this review*

Life is More Than Striving and Work...Lessons in Cat-sitting

I'm not generally one to waste my resources on girlie pursuits. It's not that I don't like things to be pretty, or enjoy fashionable clothing; it just doesn't normally seem practical or fit with my lifestyle. My clothes are for covering my body. My make up routine consists of washing my face with warm water, and applying chapstick. I use a men's razor because it is the same as the women's razor, but not as frilly or pink, and is less expensive. My animals all have a purpose. Goats for milk. Outdoor cats for pest control. Chickens for eggs and meat. I have a pair of work boots, a pair of flip flops, and a pair of heels for wearing to church. I'm considering adding a pair of practical black flats, since the heels are open toed and winter is approaching. I don't understand why anyone needs more than one pair of any type of shoe. For example, why own two pairs of running shoes if you can only run in one pair at a time?

The other day, I did something completely out of character. I borrowed a cat. I have half grown cats already, kittens we got this spring. They eat the mice in the barn and they get in the house and keep the mice out, or kill any they find indoors, and we throw them back out again. This is a different sort of cat though. He is a pudgy, middle aged, fastidiously clean, fluffy companion animal. He hides while the kids are awake and only comes out to join me in the quiet hours of the evening and night, and early morning devotional time. He has no practical use. I put the kids to bed and he comes out of hiding. We each have a little dinner and go lounge in the bed. There is once again, the comforting sounds of someone snoring on the other side of the bed at night, that has been missing since Chris took a night job in June. There is someone to have my bedtime snack with, and to sit quietly with when the sun is coming up. I have become one of those people who have an animal in their house, though I let him outside to go potty.

It's kind of nice actually, after he goes home, I may have to let one of my cats be an indoor cat after all. I don't have to share him with anyone, and the only reason he is here is that I enjoy him. He's quite pretty. His ample pudge keeps my feet warm at night and my lap warm over morning coffee. Sometimes, I get so busy, doing all the things that need done, or learning all the things I want to read up on and learn, that I don't do or have anything for simple pleasure of enjoying them. It has me thinking and reflecting on how I used to destress. I can't recall my last painting, or when I stopped sketching. I think I'll slow down and do things just to enjoy them again. I've missed that. I've missed the ability to have something so frivolous as a pet, or to do things because I want to. It feels lazy almost, and I like it! So there! :) Life is more than striving and work.

Out Of A Far Country By: Christopher and Angela Yuan

Out of A Far Country chronicles the true story of Christopher Yuan, the son of two prosperous Chinese immigrants, who had, through their moral living and hard work, established a successful dentistry practice and raised two sons they hoped would join the family business. Christopher, the younger of the two, rebels when he goes away to school. Rejecting the traditional values of his upbringing, he lives a promiscuous lifestyle, begins dealing and using drugs, and spends less time on his studies. He flunks out of school, dishonors and deserts his family, and brings his mother to the breaking point. God intervenes in this family, and weaves a beautiful story of redemption of sinners, and reconciliation of a son to his parents, husbands to wives, and a family to himself. It is a touching testimony of the goodness of God, who makes beauty from ashes. One thing I feel readers should bear in mind when reading this story, is that Christopher's story is his story, he doesn't represent ALL Chinese people, or all men, or all gay men. In my circle of friends I have many who identify themselves with the LGBT community. Most of them have never touched methamphetamines or crack cocaine. I think the danger here is that people will read this story and assume that it is indicative of gay culture in general. I think it describes many things well about the party circuit, that both gays and straights involve themselves in. But, it is so often lauded as a book about a gay man turning from his lifestyle. However, it seems more about a partier gone sober, a rebel turned preacher, and a lost man found. He drops his drug addiction and chooses to identify himself as more than his sexuality. He embraces celibacy, which seems like a wise move for an HIV+ person anyway. This is not the story of a gay man turned straight. It is the story of a lost son found, a life turned around, and restoration. If you are looking for a happy story of a man who suppresses his feelings into non-existence and gets married to a woman and makes babies, this isn't it. If you are looking for an honest story of grace displayed to sinners, and restoration, this is your book.

*I received this book for free from WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group for this review.*